it’s been 22 years

I don’t remember the exact day it happened.

Twenty-two years ago my world came crashing down – for the third time – while in Jordan, Montana.

While we were cutting wheat near Hutchinson, Kansas, I found out we were expecting baby number four. I hadn’t been feeling quite right and suspected that maybe I was pregnant. Maybe. But I wasn’t sick like I had been with the other three. I mean really sick. Sick like hyperemesis sick. Like not being able to quit puking sick.

So I visited the local clinic to be checked out.

“Could you be pregnant?”, they asked. I said, “I guess it’s a possibility.”

I was told to call the clinic back later that day and they would give me the result. Positive. Now…how in the world am I going to tell Jim I’m pregnant? Guess just tell him. 🙂

I never did get as sick as I had been with the others. Maybe that should have been my first clue? I was so excited about my growing belly and the fact that I could continue to take care of my family and “crew” (all of one additional guy) without having to feel like I was going to die.

It’s been long enough ago I’ve forgotten all the details. But what I will never forget is what I was doing the very instant I knew something was wrong. I was attempting to lift a five gallon water jug in the trailer house. We have to buy our water while we’re in Jordan. You don’t want to drink this extra salty, mineral-filled water.

It was a sickening, numbing feeling that instantly hit me. I thought…maybe if I just stop what I’m doing and sit down or lay down it will all go away. I still think about this particular day every time I lift one of those blue five gallon water jugs.

I called Dan the local PA. He told me to come to the clinic immediately and then sent me to Miles City for an ultrasound. I could tell by the look on the face of the gal doing the test that something wasn’t right. But she couldn’t say anything. The doctor confirmed the worst. There was no heartbeat. I immediately felt like I was going to be sick.

It wasn’t immediate but I eventually went into “labor”. I was 13 weeks along. Dan took care of me the entire time I was in the Jordan hospital. Things were different then. And I often think about the baby I lost that year – especially when we pull back into town. I remember feeling like I would never be the same. I would never be able to get over what had just happened. I remember walking the streets of the town late at night trying to understand why this had to happen. Especially so far away from home.

The people of this community were amazing! Dan came to our trailer house several times to check on me. Where else does the doctor make a “house visit” anymore? Or call to see how things are going? People brought food for our little harvest crew until I could get back on my feet. I was blessed to have had this happen where it did. I just didn’t know it at the time.

I find myself thinking about this more so today because of the premature birth of a dear friend’s baby. I had prayed for a miracle for her. She was only 20 weeks pregnant. But there was hope through others who shared their stories of delivering babies this young and they survived. Unfortunately, Henry wasn’t going to grow up here on earth. God had other plans for him. So, as I think about Emma and the emotions she’s going through tonight, it made me think about my own loss. I had two other miscarriages before the last one in Jordan. Each one never easier than the previous one.

I used to remember the due dates. I don’t anymore. All I can remember is that there were three – two between Jenna and Taylor and one between Taylor and Callie. I used to notice pregnant women more than usual. I don’t anymore. I used to wonder if they were boys or girls. I know that one day I will be reunited with them in heaven. They will be waiting for me to arrive and then I will be able to hold them in my arms.

I’ve told Taylor and Callie they must have very important purposes on this earth. If I had carried those babies to term, I would not have had either Taylor or Callie. And, I can’t imagine life without either one of them.

You see, I believe God has a plan for each one of us. And sometimes that plan includes the death of a baby. Doesn’t seem right at all. How could a loving God allow such a thing? He knows. He has the plan, not us. How can we question what He knows? So much doesn’t make sense, but I fully believe that one day it will.

All of this leads up to my final thought. Why do we women feel it so necessary to keep a miscarriage or the loss of a baby quiet? Why is it so important that we don’t tell anyone we’re pregnant until we’re in the second trimester? I understand everyone thinks differently. However, due to the losses I experienced, it would have been much easier to have gone through it with the help of others.

I didn’t tell anyone.

I didn’t think I was supposed to. Was it because I thought others would look at me with questions? Was it taboo to let others know that you were pregnant and now you’re not? I don’t know. I’ve thought about it all so much over the years. When I went through the heartache of miscarriage, there was nothing about it anywhere. Nothing to help the grieving mom and dad understand why it happened. I was so hungry for information to learn about the reason why. There was no google or internet to refer to.

Was it something I did? Was there something wrong with me? Why did I miscarry these babies? What caused this to happen? So many unanswered questions.

If I could give a bit of advice, it would be this…don’t deny yourself the love and care of others. The time you could use support, prayers, sympathy and care is during the moment of loss. Let the world know you’re pregnant right away. If the pregnancy ends with a miscarriage or the death of your baby, you will have the love and support of people who can help carry you through the difficult times. By keeping your pregnancy a secret, you also keep the pain of a loss a secret. That’s so very difficult to get through on your own. Believe me, I know. Being able to talk to someone – anyone – who would listen and would allow me to talk was the best therapy I had.

If you know of someone who is having to go through the loss of a baby, please don’t be afraid to ask them about it. They need you. They need to know you will listen and try to understand.  The pain of losing their baby is no different than dealing with the death of any loved one. It hurts and it takes an awful lot of time to work through the pain. Be there for them – in any way you can.

Time does lessen the pain but the heartache never really goes away – even after 22 years.

 

#vegasboundwheaties adventure continues

We had a nine-day window of time before Callie and I had to be back to Vegas to pick up the Nebraska Wheat Growers’ Mobile Baking Lab from the convention center.

In that time frame, we celebrated Taylor’s 23rd birthday and I made a brief trip to the corn field for an afternoon.

Happy birthday, Taylor

Callie and Taylor

Happy birthday Taylor

Celebrating in style! Jenna, Callie & Taylor

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TATE, TEE TEE, DEET, TATOR BUG…TAYLOR!

Continue reading

and baby makes three

If you’ve been following along with the All Aboard Wheat Harvest harvest blog updates, you’ll know that we’re home. Something that is unheard of for this time of year. The last time I was home in July was in 1989…Jamie was 4 and Jenna just a little more than a year. The weirdest part of the whole deal was thinking about how much work it took to get ready to go and then only being away for like 42 days. But, God had a different plan for us.

In November, when Jamie announced to us she was expecting, I immediately counted the months and was so disappointed when I realized that baby #3 was going to be born while we were somewhere in the middle of a wheat field. We SHOULD be in Colorado at that time. Maybe I can get a few days away and come home to help. Little did I know, God’s plan had us coming home at just the right time! We cut as many acres as we could and with the last few days of being away the anxiety started to set in. I was concerned about making it home on time. Baby was due July 17…we didn’t leave Chadron until July 19th. But God had every single, little detail perfectly orchestrated to allow us to be home at the exact moment.

Back to the land of corn and soybeans.

Continue reading

a tough year to be a wheatie

Picture credit goes to Nancy Eberts 0f Eberts Harvesting, Inc.

We’ve had a bit of crummy luck with our summer jobs this year. I wrote about it on the All Aboard Wheat Harvest site. To read it, you can click here.

In all of our 35 years of being in this business, I can honestly say I have never seen it look so bleak for so many. Typically, when things happen, it happens to a select few harvesters and then you can, hopefully, make up for the lost acres somewhere else along the way. This is not so this year. I’m afraid the 2017 wheat harvest may come to a complete stop for many in a week or so. The acres in the northern states are depleting by the day. The already low wheat acres are becoming even lower and I’m afraid there won’t be enough for everyone to be able to make up what we’re losing.

Continue reading

concerned…yet hopeful

The yellow roseometer is telling us it’s about that time to load up and head south. 

Grandpa always said, “Wheat will die at least seven times before it is harvested”. Therefore, I am going to remain hopeful for the 2017 crop. Concerned…yet hopeful.

I’ve heard this quote often lately with the weather extremes that have been occurring in the wheat belt. So…it must be true to continue to be believed by the wheat community. The wheat in western Kansas and eastern Colorado is on its fourth or fifth death by now.

Continue reading

few called him bubba

The last picture I took of Wes

(My final blog for 2016 – although it is 2017 – and it’s the very hardest to write. I’ve been mulling this one in my head for a long time. I’ve thought of all the things I’ve wanted to say for over a year and yet the words don’t come easy. I pray that God gives me the story and the words and the healing my heart is needing by writing this letter.)

Continue reading

birthdays and holidays

The past two months have been busy but not crazy, busy. Wait a minute…who am I kidding? It’s always crazy, busy trying to keep up with the family and all that’s going on.

Not only did we celebrate the big holidays (Thanksgiving and Christmas) but also a couple of birthdays, too.

Less than two weeks after Colten and Taylor’s wedding, we celebrated Thanksgiving. Our family gathering was near 100% that day…we were missing Jenna. (She made a trip to Colorado that weekend.)

Continue reading

when a house becomes a home

IMG_0941

The last posting brought up a question by a reader that made me realize that it’s a bit hard to read my mind. (Just ask Jim about this)

The question was, “Why did Curt and Jamie move into your house?”

The answer – because it worked out perfectly. We couldn’t have prepared and put the plan together any better had we done it. I believe it all happened as it should have – a “God thing”.  Curt and Jamie made the decision to build a home in the country. That started the process. As soon as the purchasers of their home found out they would be moving, they approached Curt and Jamie about possibly purchasing the home in Louisville.

Each step they took came at perfect timing. As did the transition from one house to another. Their house did, in fact, sell – prior to the completion of the new one. The new owners agreed to let them stay throughout most of the summer, hoping the closing date of the new house would happen before the beginning of a new school year (for the new owners).

The idea of moving to our house was proposed. They took us up on it. The craziness is that – once again – it all happened as it should. They were packing at a time that I could help with the kids and/or packing. I moved our items out of our house to the Cottage. This gave Jamie the empty spaces needed to put her family’s items in. Perfect!

After all of the house swapping was complete, I was able to enjoy two days with the kiddos before we had to leave for the summer. I hope the kids enjoy being in the house as much as the house probably enjoys having them in it! I just wish I was home to enjoy the noise.

IMG_0323Jamie examining the hole in the ground that would one day be her home. 

IMG_0324

IMG_1055The hole in the ground changed to this in April.

IMG_1056What will be the kitchen and island – the heart of the house and family. 

Jamie scattered these scripture verses throughout the home. When I realized she had done it, it was fun to look for them. It was sort of like a game.

 

This is what the house looked like the day before we left. The next time we see it, it will be more than a hole in the ground, more than studs and drywall, it’ll be a HOME. This is the area that will be the kitchen looking into the living room.

One day, this picture will be fun to look at because rather than dirt and sand, there will be grass and trees and lots and lots of wonderful memories.

 

keep your sight on the horizon

FullSizeRender (1)I’m not good at making New Year’s resolutions. I think they’re dumb. Mostly because when I used to follow the crowd and make a resolution, it was usually something that was next to impossible to keep. It was a good intention, though. So, rather than deal with the guilt of not living up to my end of the deal…I stopped making them. Well, now I’ve sort of made myself this pre-harvest resolution. I’ve been enough sedentary over the winter, I can see and feel a few of the extra inches that are a result of this lifestyle. I know it comes with age but until I can’t do something about it, maybe I should at least up the ante on the number of steps I take each day.

I got a bit obsessed with knowing the number of steps I was taking when I rode to New Orleans with Jenna to help her with her CLAAS booth at Commodity Classic. The facility was gigantic!!! It took many, many steps to get from point A to point B. Our biggest day of steps was 21,391 or nearly 10 miles. So, when I checked my phone the other day and the health app showed less than 1,000 steps, I decided I could do something about that. Either I needed to keep my phone in my pocket a little more OR I could just take off and go for a walk after Callie leaves for school. I opted for option #2.

Continue reading

or so I thought…

claudias-book-quoteYou know, some days just seem to start out a bit more of a struggle than others. Today was one of those struggle days. Struggle to accept changes that are being thrown at me. Struggle just to get started with what’s on my list of “to do’s”. Just a struggle. I really hate days like this. Mostly because it takes hold of your very soul and seems to try to back you into a corner and not let you out. The tears that have been pushed back for so long seem to flow easily and won’t quit.

Why is it so hard to accept the fact that you’re not quite as tough as you’d like the rest of the world believe you are?

Continue reading